Monday, May 11, 2015

Domestic Violence (Yes, it will happen again.)

I first married when I was barely 19, to a 29 year old man who showed signs early in the relationship of being dangerously jealous and controlling.  I had lived a very sheltered life, but I should have known better; I should have heeded the warnings of my parents, friends, and my own instinct.   Unfortunately, I was rebellious.  Back then, “domestic violence” wasn’t even a coined term that I know of, but it did occur, which I found out first hand.  

Image from Google Images
Something happened to my way of thinking after I was slapped around, kicked while I was down, strangled, shoved and threatened.  After the first time it happened, I believed his tears and contrite words, and I trusted it would never happen again.  But it did, and it was worse.  He liked  to look me in the eye as he held me down and hurt me, and he would tell me how easy it would be for him to end my life then and there.  He would tell me that if I left him again, he would find me where ever I went, and he would burn down the house of anyone who tried to help me...and they wouldn't like me very much because it would be my fault they were homeless.  

I’d like to say that I learned my lesson quickly, but I actually went back into that three times before I left the fourth and final time.  Some have it far worse than I did.  I had a place to go.  He didn’t kill me, he didn't burn houses down; instead, he left town.  I am certain the prayers of others had a lot do do with my safety.  I’ve had a good life since that bad choice, and he is a pitiful old man today. 
Image from Google Images

People will sympathize with a victim of domestic violence…the first time.  After the second or third time of walking back into it, friends and relatives lose their patience with repeated dangerous and stupid choices.   If there are kids involved, you can add anger to the equation, because the mother chose the abuser over the safety of the children.  Even if the man doesn’t have a history of hitting the kids, it takes a heavy toll on the young ones when they see and hear it happen to their mother.   And just because he hasn't before, doesn't mean he won't ever hit your children.

If you are out of an abusive situation and you are considering getting involved with your abuser again, you will find that I am telling you the truth.  His promises of it never happening again will be broken, no matter how much he means it when he vows to change and pledges his love for you.  It’s not love, it is all about control, and when you realize that he’s not really what you want and you try to get rid of him, it will be worse than the last time.  Maybe he won’t kill you.   Hopefully, he won’t critically/permanently injure you.   However, you can count on him hurting you worse than the last time, and the last time was pretty bad, wasn’t it?  He will destroy your things, and he won’t care that your kids are around to see the violence and hear the vile and hateful words he will spew at you.

Image from Google Images


Please, I beg you, consider my words carefully.   Your situation is not any different than the countless others who gave an abuser "one more chance" only to realize it was the biggest mistake of their lives.  No amount of "help" he can give you will be worth it.  Some women are not here now to tell their story.   Don't let yourself become a statistic.




13 comments:

  1. I hope your words help, to give people the courage to walk away.

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  2. Arkansas. We were blessed. We needed rain. The aftermath will take a while to repair.

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  3. Thank you for this powerful testimony.
    DH's daughter is in a similar situation. I've no emotional ties to the woman, so when she went back for the dozenth (or two dozenth?) time I found it relatively easy to wash my hands of her. Unfortunately, DH is bound by love, and long after N's 'kissed and made up' I see it's still gnawing at him. '
    Double unfortunate, in DH doesn't want me telling any of the other family members what's really going on. I feel if I keep quiet that's abetting the situation. 'Just don't know what's right anymore.

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    1. Tell it. Family probably know more than you think, but perhaps they don't know enough? It might not do any good, but it can't do any harm. Maybe someone can get through to her that she doesn't have to live that way.

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  4. I agree with what Myra said, a powerful testimony. I am so sure the prayers of so many kept you safe when you finally decided to walk away and not return. It is sad he chose to live his life like this and how he ended up. It is good you decided not to live your life that way and how blessed you have become to be.

    betty

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    1. He is pitiful, and still thinks all of his misfortune is someone else's fault. And I am extremely grateful every day of all that God has given me. Thank you, Betty and Myra.

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  5. Wonderful news you got away, and that you're willing to share, it's important in your healing and if you can encourage just 1 person to take the necessary steps then you've accomplished alot! Sadly, many leave the situation only to find another guy that's pretty much the same. They've allowed themselves to get so far down they don't realize they deserve better and the circle continues. I also agree Mevely should speak up. Family deserves to know and like you said, someone else may get through to her. AND, with more family in the know, she has options of where she can turn for help if needed. Additionally, they will choose not to be so nice to him which could help her too. Sounds like the father above is hiding from it himself, because he's embarrassed and thinking not of her as much as he should. When he happens, why hasn't the father called the police?

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    1. When family members are not nice to an abuser, the victim will be forbidden to see them. Abusers often isolate victims from family. As far as the father goes, there is only so much another person can do. If the victim is unwilling to report it, they may deny it happened (for various reasons). If there are no marks on her (or marks she is willing to show), the police will not arrest the other party, anyway.

      Until you've walked in the shoes of the parent of an abused, it's really hard to know what you might do.

      My situation was a lifetime ago, I have been married to my current husband for nearly 19 years.

      Thanks for your comment!

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  6. Wow...thank for sharing. I am glad God blessed you with your current husband.

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    1. Thank you, Becky. He is good to me....I am very blessed.

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  7. I hope someone reads these words and if it applies to them, can get the courage to leave before it is possibly too late.

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    1. Me, too, OB. Unfortunately, most don't listen until lots of damage has been done, or as you say, it's too late.

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  8. I saw this domestic abuse issue blog too late to comment on publication date but here goes:
    YOU ARE INCREDIBLY BRAVE to publish your testimony!!!!! I pray other women & men who are being abused will heed every word of Truth you wrote & escape their abuse at the earliest opportunities.
    Like Margaret said, its all about the abuser keeping Control over Everything You do only a daily basis.
    Abusers isolate victims from all family members & acquaintances. Abusers come in all packages rich, poor, they are can be Preachers, Judges, laborers, lay-abouts, policemen, doctors, etc.... You get the picture....
    If you are dating someone & you see the red flags in the relationship, extreme jealousy, quick temper issues, hitting you, etc....get out of that dating situation!! Abusers do not change!!!!!! Having a baby to change the abuser will not make it better. In fact it worsens most abusive situations making the abuser jealous of attention the victim gives to child. Please listen to what Margaret has said & take your children and leave. There are domestic shelters out there to help you if you have no other place to go. To Seek HELP: Call SAFE PLACE 256-767-6210 or 1-800-550-9215

    ( open 24 hours a day) God Bless All of You & I will be Praying for you!!!! Victoria

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